Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
