dude i'm inner monologue high
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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