im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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