just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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