I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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