Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
