Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
