There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
