I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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