All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
