At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
