Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
