I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
