My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
