No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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