How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
