Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
