your parents love me but you hate me
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I had to cum in my sink.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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