Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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