remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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