Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
