If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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