literally had 100 drinks last night.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
