I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
