my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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