I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
