I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
