Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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