I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
