saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize