dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
