This is not my ceiling
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
