I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
