Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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