Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think people are normalizing furries
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
