Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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