I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
