I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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