fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You smell like stripper and shame
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize