i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
