my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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