I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
