I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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