Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
