I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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