I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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