my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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