Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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