i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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