Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
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