and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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