I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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