I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
