booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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