i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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