the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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