I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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