fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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