I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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