I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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