Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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