Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
